Letting go. Moving on.

Well, here we are, almost to the end of 2017 and I'm just finding something to say...


How can you let go of someone that walks away from you but provides you no explanation? How are you supposed to heal from the fall out and the damage or forgive someone for the hurt when you don't know why they did what they did? Why should you walk away yourself? How do you know when it's time? Why does any of it matter? 

Well...let's just dive in.

A few years back, I was forced to let go of a friendship, a best friendship, that had lasted over 30 years. 30+ years of my life, devoted to this person, loyal, supportive, encouraging. All the things that I am on some level in all of my friendships. I was presented with facts about this person, literally had them thrown in my face, that in the 30+ years I had never seen or been witness to. I take pride in being who I am, at all times. You may not always see it immediately, but I will tell you and someday I will feel comfortable enough to show you most of me. So stunned is a good word for what I was when I was presented with this.  It hurt when he betrayed me. When he shut me out and acted like a petulant child throwing a tantrum because he was held responsible for being an adult. He walked away from 30+ years without closure or explanation of why he did any of this. I held on to that for a very long time, that hurt, that confusion, that longing for understanding. After many years, I quit letting it enter my mind, but I never let it go. 

I didn't know how to process this, how to make sense of it. This person knew me better than anyone on this planet, right?? Wrong. They thought they did. But they made some serious miscalculations of my strength and my ability to adapt and adjust to life and the circumstances I am presented with. They also misjudged how far I am willing to bend to someone else's needs/wants/demands/suggestions. I am not a puppet to be controlled. So I struggled internally with this for years, all the while presenting a "I don't care" attitude when I was asked about him. 

I'm not sure when it happened. I think it has happened slowly over the last year, but it seems like it happened then night I turned 40. I suddenly realized how much power and control I was still giving him to take up that much room in my heart, my head, and strangle my emotions like that. To realize it was me who was really suffering, that they could not care less about me. 

It took a more recent situation, that actually should have had a colossal negative impact on me, my emotions. A situation that should have caused the most unbelievable damage to me. But...it didn't and hasn't. Like with the previous situation, I reached out for explanation, that is the adult thing to do, I received none in either case. But this time, I am letting go. It will not cause me to think back every second and wonder what I did wrong to lose this friendship. I have my speculations on what the issue was in both cases, but it will no longer take up residence in my heart or my head, it will no longer take any of my energy. It is time to let go. 

Losing a friend, a best friend, with no understand as to why, hurts. This does not mean you should ever let go of all of the good times, the good memories, the love shared, the lessons learned, the laughs had. Those are things that no matter anyones actions can be taken from you.

So "why does it all matter"? 

It matters because your well being, my well being is more important than anything else. You don't need to know or understand anyone else but yourself. Your actions and  reactions to life and the curve balls it throws at you are what matter. How you handle it and move forward, how you forgive yourself and others, matters. How you love and treat and accept people, that is what matters. 

I will hold those that have left the sidelines of my life dear for having been in my life and I will continue to love them as I always have, I will wish them the best that life has to offer. I will, however, not let them control any part of me any longer.