So much is happening in the world and I don't really even know where to start this. This is going to be a deeply personal entry and I am quite honestly prepared to lose some "friends" over the content. I might as well dive right in and hope you can follow as I tread water, splash around, and maybe sink a time or two.
If you know me, you know I have a deeply rooted despise of public restrooms, any public restrooms. And if you've ever asked me why, my answer to you has always been a very plausible one - "they are dirty and gross me out" - given my germophobic tendencies! I even have a real story that I tell to enforce my point - it's disgusting, so I won't repeat it here!
That's all well and good, except for the fact that it's all a huge lie. (Not the thinking public bathrooms are gross, they really are dirty and that does freak me out!!) But that isn't why I despise public restrooms so much and why I will do ALMOST anything to avoid them.
I need you to leave some of what you know about me aside for a few minutes. Leave aside that I'm gay, as that has ZERO bearing on the first part of this.
Despite my mothers best efforts, bless her heart, I have never liked wearing dresses or frilly things. I have always been the most comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt, most the times with a ball cap on. This is how I have been since I have memories...I just wanted to be comfortable in what I was wearing. Nothing too tight, I don't like to be restricted...I mean, how am I supposed to be able to drop my school books and grab a basketball and shoot around for a while in a dress? Or play catch? Or skip rocks? Or jump on the dirt bikes? Or climb a tree? Could it have been done in a dress? Sure, it could have, but not by me, a dress always meant I was to stay clean and it was usually expensive and I've never liked to get my nice things dirty! So jeans, shorts, t-shirts, sneakers, and a cap...standard attire for me, that made me feel like the best me!
Then there was the hair! Oy, with the hair and the curls and all the nonsense!!! So, when t-ball started, I cut it all off!!! I never knew what to do with my mop of mess on my head, so for me it was just easier to have it short! (Hell, it wasn't until I was 35 that I really figured out HOW to do anything with my mop!)
So you now have a picture of me as a child, from about age 5 til hell, now as an almost 39 year old woman! Short hair, comfy clothes - no figure to speak of back then really, and not much of one now if we're being honest! Can you see where I'm going yet? If you can't, I'll explain.
We were, as a family, heading to FL for Christmas vacation, I can't remember how old I was, but this is one of the most seared in my brain memories, and we stopped at a rest area for a pit stop. We all got out and went to the bathroom and after I was done, I came out and was waiting for my mom right outside the door. As I was coming out 3 women that were coming in chastised me, told me I was in the wrong bathroom, that boys shouldn't use the girls bathroom, that I should be ashamed of myself. Based solely on my hairstyle, my comfy clothes, and my lack of development these women decided it was their place to yell at me, to judge me, to shame me. I was so confused, scared, and hurt by this. For being the only me I knew how to be, comfortable, I was being scolded. This was not the last time this happened, only the first. I can name numerous other times throughout my growing up that this happened when I was desperate enough to cave and use a public restroom. It was to the point that as a small child I used to hold it all day at school, making myself sick usually, until I got home off the bus. High school came and brought a whole new set of issues for me and my fear of bathrooms. Not only do I now have my previous fear of restrooms, I now have figured out that I'm different than most girls because I like girls, not that I had really accepted this about myself yet, denial is a powerful thing. So in high school I would wait until after school when everyone was gone and then go...or I'd sneak into the locker room before practice to go when I knew no one would be there. I did ANYTHING I could to avoid having anyone see me go into or come out of a bathroom or having to be in there with others.
So I grew my hair out and got my ears pierced a second time, because if I have long hair and more obvious earrings, people will leave me alone...right??? Unfortunately, changing my hair or my ears, didn't change how I felt comfortable. I still liked to wear baggy clothes (it was the 90's and baggy was the rage!!!) and not be restricted! And I still loved my hats!! I made the mistake of thinking that long hair (even in a ponytail) and earrings would save me from bathroom judgement. Hell if I wasn't wrong! I was 20 years old, it was winter 1997 and I was at the mall and had to go (gotta go, gotta go, gotta go RIGHT NOW!!). I made my way over to the restrooms and it's busy so I have to wait in line. I was wearing my favorite Mossimo jeans, a waffle henley under an Abercrombie button down with my hair in a pony tail. Nothing extremely huge on me, but not form fitting either. As I'm standing in line a lady says to me "excuse me sir, you're in the wrong place", I assure her "no ma'am, I'm not". I try and remain calm but now I'm mortified and I just want to bolt, but I really have to go. It's finally my turn and I go, come out, wash my hands and am heading out. As I'm leaving 2 women coming in actually stop and check the sign on the door to see which bathroom it is. I was beside myself. I left the mall in tears.
For my entire life, I have been terrified not of public restrooms, but being judged for how I look, or what I'm wearing, of being humiliated for it, when I have the need to use a public restroom. I am going to be 39 years old this year and you would have thought by now I'd be over this fear, that I wouldn't care what others think. I honestly don't care what others think. I like my short hair. And my clothes may not be nearly as baggy or loose as they once were, I still don't like anything tight! I like me. I am proud of me. But I'm more scared now than I have ever been. With all of the bathroom bills being talked about and the hatred being spewed from both sides, it causes so much anxiety in me that it makes me sick to my stomach. And I'll be damned if any progress I made with using public restrooms hasn't gone straight down the shitter so to speak. I am literally terrified to use a public bathroom now for fear of not just being embarrassed like the old days, but now of not being believed when I say I'm a woman, or of being assaulted because I'm not believed, and when I have to (road trips make it impossible to hold it THAT long with the amount of water I consume now!!!) it causes more anxiety in me than I can even explain. How do I fix this? How do I deal with it? I don't have those answers yet....
I'm not telling you any of this to force an opinion on you one way or the other on the bathroom issues and debates taking place today. I am telling you this because I'm scared as a 38+ year old woman, who identifies as a woman. I can't imagine what a child like I was back then, a child that just wants to be comfortable in their own skin, is going through. Being afraid to use a public restroom because "protectors of women & children" are policing bathrooms now is no joke. I'm telling you this in hopes that you'll stay in your own lane. But for God sake, if you see someone ACTUALLY being assaulted anywhere, not just a bathroom, speak up, call someone, intervene. Otherwise, let people pee in peace. Because you never know when that little child or that pre-teen is actually a girl, that identifies as a girl or a boy that identifies as a boy (but maybe has long hair) just wants to go to the bathroom and now can't because you decided to shame and humiliate them based on your preconceived notions of what people should look like. You never know when something you've said to a child will still be carried with them 30+ years later.
Bottom line, think about what you say and how you say it. Be kind. Words are damaging. If you identify as a Christian, act like it. Would Jesus want you to humiliate or shame or attack? If you identify as an Atheist, just try not to be an asshole! Think about me the next time you are out and you are heading to the bathroom and you see someone that you aren't sure about, doing nothing but trying to use the bathroom. If you are reading this, we are likely friends, how would you feel if what you're about to say to that someone was said to me in front of you? How would you react if you saw me, your friend, attacked for nothing more than trying to go to the bathroom?
Now, with that being said, I need to go to the bathroom here at the office before I get to the gym, because Lord knows, I won't use that restroom! :-)
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