With knowledge comes understanding...now let's drink!

Hello old friends! It’s me, back again with some less than profound words, but ones that I need to say. Maybe you’ll learn something about me, maybe you’ll learn something about a friend of yours, maybe you’ll choose your words more carefully, maybe you’ll learn something about yourself…anything is possible.

But where to begin? Let’s start at the very beginning, it’s a very fine place to start!! (Yeah, I know we’re off to a corny start…deal with it!)

I always claim to be a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma. So allow me to introduce myself for our new audience members. I am a gay, Christian woman who loves to drink, and allows my actions to speak for me. One who loves her friends like they are the most important people in my life, who would do anything for them (but not that, that one thing is off limits!). I also let people slide on a lot of things that hurt my feelings or offend me because I do not like confrontation, I’d rather just swallow my hurt and move on so as not to hurt someone else if my words aren’t as articulate or calm as they should be. I am a hard but fragile shell surrounding a very soft and sensitive heart. (Eh you got me, yeah, I’ll finally admit it out loud!!)

Now that that is out of the way, here we go!!! The topics are in no particular order and if you think this directed at any one person, stop right there. These are my thoughts based on happenings in my life in general or things I’ve never told you before and the random horrible joke thrown in!

I have Haitian Herpes of the Feet. No, really. Okay, not REALLY! I did get attacked by sand mites in Haiti and my feet are a certified disaster, but they are on the mend thanks to my amazing big sister! Why tell you that? No idea…it just seemed relevant for some reason as it is an event in my life recently!

I am gay.

Yes, I know it’s a shock, but pick yourselves up off the floor, close your mouths!

This is something I’ve known since I was 13, but never admitted it. (Hell some people I told at 19 were like “uh, yeah, we knew that!” Well why the hell didn’t you tell me and save me years of confusing agony?!?!?!) It took until I was 39 to be able to be comfortable and secure enough to let this be known by strangers, in public. I know what you’re thinking “Brook, seriously, you’ve always let your pride flag fly around us!!” Yes, when I am in a group of people that I trust, that I know would never allow anything to happen to me, yep, I fully acknowledge who I am!! I make jokes, I check out girls with my guy friends, hell even sometimes my straight female friends, I am relaxed, I allow you to be relaxed around me, to know that you’re also safe to be who you are – gay, straight, geeky, corny, black (I’m looking at you Debra!!), brown, purple, shit, be a fucking giraffe for all I care, you are safe. I will never judge you. I will never mock you. I will never want you to be anything but what you are. (Unless you are a U of M fan, then I request you rethink your life choices!)

There is very little that the people I described above can say to offend me in terms of my being gay. Fuck, I’m just a person, right? Right. But like everyone, I have a line. We don’t need to get into what that actual line is, but it’s one that I’ve allowed to be crossed in front of me by people. But maybe I shouldn’t have, because sometimes with allowance comes complacency and desensitization. Everyone has a line. Just think about it.

So yes, I am gay, but I’m still a person.

A person that likes to partake in the occasional adult beverage or two. Jameson…Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary…Jameson!! Keep those damn Lab-a-doozy Doodles the hell away from me!!! Yes, I drink. I like to drink. I also know what my very direct family history with alcohol is and am careful. I watch what I drink…most the time. (The cruise absolutely doesn’t count if any of you are reading this!!!) There are MAYBE 2 times a year when I get absolutely out of control…and I don’t see a problem with that. I am always careful, I make sure to have a DD, I warn people before I puke in the cars, hell, I usually travel with my own puke bag!! Life happens and I’m done not having fun, of trying to live up to standards that aren’t my own, and sometimes drinking is part of that.

Yep, I drink, but I’m still a person.

A person who 9 times out of 10 allows my actions to speak for me. Only 90% because nobody is perfect! If I tell you I’m going to do something, I will do it. If I tell you I’ll be there for you, I will be. But what happens when someone’s actions are betrayed by their words? Then what??? I got no clue, so let’s put a pin in that for now, shall we? *

Yeah, a confused person, but still…

A person who claims to be “Christian”. I put that in quotes for a reason. I believe in God. I believe in love thy neighbor. I believe Jesus died for ALL of our sins. I do not believe in all these people running around making laws of exclusion, saying God doesn’t include you because (enter whatever the reason of the week is here), making it clear if you are not just like them and your God isn’t the exact way they see it or preach it, if you are not sitting in a pew every Sunday, then you are not “Christian”. Pardon my language, but BULLSHIT. Everyone believes and worships or follows in their own way (if that’s your thing and it’s okay if it’s not, but we’re talking about me here!). My relationship with God or anyone really is my business, not the worlds!

You’re likely thinking “Okay, Brook get to the damn point already!” by now, right?

Settle down already…stop judging me for being long winded, it’s what happens when you were trapped in your house for 3 days with strep throat…you have A LOT of time on your hands to think…

Speaking of which, judgements. Not necessarily judgements, we all need to make judgement calls based on the best available knowledge, it’s life. Judging others though, basing your opinion of someone on who they are fundamentally as a person, so not cool. I may call someone a hatchet faced, twat waffle, bitch because of something they have said that cut me quick and deep. So yeah, I judged them…on their words, not on the fact they were short or white or whatever it is that makes them who they are. Should I have done that, no. Should I be allowed to vent my anger and hurt about what they said, yes. Should I be reprimanded for that? Fuck no. My feelings are neither irrelevant or wrong. Feeling just are. If you want to judge me, don’t do it based on who I am, things I cannot and will not change. You want to judge me for cussing, drinking, my taste in music, or eating shitty sometimes…cool, your choice. Absolutely not your job, but it is your choice. Understand however, how I react to you, that’s my choice!

Well crap, now what??? Choices have been made. Words have been said. Actions have taken place. How do you move past anything when you’ve been hurt? Can people forgive? Yes, is the short and simple answer. But we all know it’s way more complicated than that! Let me tell you a little story.

Picture it. Ft Myers, 2015. A metric shit ton of a bomb went off in my brother and sisters lives. And I was the one that showed them where it was. Now, don’t get ahead of yourself, as my brother will tell you, I did nothing wrong. It’s just that those pesky transparency and honesty things sometime get me in trouble. Bomb goes off. There is major fall out. Major. Two people that were very close friends are no longer talking. My brother made a choice. His ‘friend’ made his. A few months later, we were talking about it and what really burned my brothers pinoli cookies was the fact that his friend never reached out. Never tried to explain or fix anything, he just walked away like he was the victim. He looked me dead in the eyes and said “if this was you and I and you suddenly stopped talking to me, stopped returning text or calls, whatever. You can bet the very first thing I’m doing is coming to find you, to find out what the actual fuck is going on. Because that is the only way things get resolved.”

He’s right, the only way to repair or get to the recovery of relationships is to suss out the issue, sit down with someone, face to face, and talk. Get the anger and hurt out. See if there is still middle ground, if forgiveness is possible. And go from there.

*Remember that pin from earlier…let’s revisit that. I still don’t have a great answer, but let’s go with this:

Forgive them. Forgive them, even if they are not sorry. Forgive them.

You are only punishing yourself if you don’t. It may be the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do, but try, it’ll get better with time. A damaged relationship can go on and move forward, but know it will always be a little different, there is no going back to the perceived perfection of before. But also, know when to walk away…before this though you should know when to hold them or when to fold them…

Take a little kindness and pass it along. If thousands of lesbians can get along trapped on a boat for 7 nights, you can be kind at least once a day.

Peace out folks!